Three Principles

When you’re young, you may not realize when someone is manipulating or using you. In a civilized society, most “good” children are taught to be helpful and generous. While helping others is beneficial for society as a whole, individuals can sometimes go too far in this direction. Being helpful is like learning to swim: it’s important to teach everyone, but once someone becomes skilled at swimming, it doesn’t mean they should be swimming all the time. Swimming and giving may seem like great ideas, but it’s not until a negative experience occurs that the person (feeling choked with seawater) becomes aware of certain dangers. And the danger with being habitually helpful is that it makes you more susceptible to being taken advantage of.

To avoid becoming a victim of manipulation or exploitation, I realized (after going through a phase in middle age) that a person needs to follow a specific set of principles. These principles emerged from my experiences; I’m not sure if sharing them with you will help you on your own journey, as you might need to face challenges and difficulties firsthand to develop your own ideas. Nevertheless, here are the Three Principles.

The Principle of Equivalent Commitment

In any relationship you shouldn’t be more committed than the other party. I’m not saying here “don’t be committed,” as in fact relationships ultimately work best when both sides derive security from a sense of equal value and enjoyment received from the other party. You both gain as the realm of your experiences expand to encompass your partner’s tastes and she yours.

Still, problems from misbalance arise when one side is more involved than the other in keeping the relationship going. This can manifest as feelings of being “used” (although research has shown even in equal relationships each party thinks they are on the heavier end of 60-40). Sometimes the other party clearly loses interest and gives up.

Achieving equivalent commitment certainly involves sincerely helping the other person when you can, but also a willingness to be louche at times when the other person’s wishes feel unreasonable. It’s a dynamic tug of war: you must raise awareness when you feel unbalanced in a manner that doesn’t threaten the other party, and yet always point out how helpful you have been in a fashion that doesn’t seem overly obsequious. Occasionally slack off defensively when you feel the other party is doing the same. You are wasting your effort if you are getting a lot less out of a relationship than you are putting into it, but at the same time manage the relationship such that you are both getting as much out of it as possible.

Ask yourself: are we equally committed? How can we show each other greater commitment? Is it time for me to commit less since my partner is losing interest? Can we open the floor to discussing our degrees of commitment?

The Zero Point Protocol

Sometimes, sadly, a relationship may end from situations beyond any party’s individual control. It could be by accident, it could be a disaster in the family, it could be a merger. A relationship can end without any forewarning — hence always manage all aspects of the relationship (and your own heart) with this in mind.

If your job with your employer ended tomorrow would you feel cheated? If so then you aren’t abiding by the ZPP. The other way I’ve looked at this is when you imagine a personal or business relationship ending, will both parties be in equal pain? It’s a really ass backwards way to manage a relationship, but it works.

The Principle of Perceived Value

If the other party lacks the capacity to appreciate your value then you are wasting your time offering it. Much of this is a matter of gently educating the other party on how much you’ve worked or trained to achieve a specific level of expertise.

The 60-40 perceptions mentioned above happens because most people recognize (within their own confines) how difficult it is to achieve certain ends, but view the other person’s efforts as less strenuous than the outward results would otherwise reveal. The onus really is on you to communicate to your partner or employer how much effort you are making. If your work still isn’t being appreciated then you need to evaluate whether you can offer something else (knowing the capabilities of the responder to feel or assess your offer).

If you’re communicating how strenuous your contributions are, making the best effort to provide value, and yet the other party still seems to downplay it, then perhaps they either are being exploitive or they may genuinely lack the capacity to perceive your value. Sad, yes, but it happens. Why waste your time contributing to your relationship things that the other party views with little value?

An Exception

Like all grand philosophies there are times when you need to make an exception. Graciously exclude your descendants from these Three Principles. Blood is Thicker than Water, and the feelings of my heart allow for my kids and grandkids to take much more from me than I get in return. It is a grand paying-it-forward for eternity, that makes all the sense in the world.